Three months ago my life took a turn that was both expected but yet unexpected. I realized within a few hours of gaining this information that my life would forever be different than the life I had known. Don't we ever feel that we know exactly where our life is going and we don't or can't see that one thing can totally disrupt it? It's like taking a long distance drive across state lines; we know where we are going, we just have to follow the road to get to our destination, right? But what happens if the road was closed due to say, a sink hole and we could go no further on that road and had to find another way? It would totally change the trip to our destination. We would still get to where we originally planned on going, we would just have to go by a different route. That is what I feel like my life has done. I knew who I was and where I ultimately planned on going and thought I knew the way there. But life had other plans - a detour if you will.
I have two brothers.
Now I know that many would say that they already knew that, I did grow up with 3 brothers after all. But these are not the brothers I speak of. Almost a year ago a law changed in the state of Washington that had to do with closed adoptions; it was now possible for the adoptee to request their original birth certificate. Original meaning the one that had their birth parents names on them not the one that was revised with the adoption. This was a big and huge break in the event that I wished to find my birth parents. I had no information, no name and no leads except the circumstances of my birth. Where was I to look or even start? This literally felt like a blessing placed in my lap. So with my blessed husbands help we put in a request to gain access to a copy of my original birth certificate as soon as the law came into effect.
For those of you who know me, you know what a big step this was. I think it can be hard for those who are not adopted to understand what it means and what it feels like to be adopted. You feel different. You try to make yourself not stand out as different in the family you were raised in, but knowing the whole time that you are, no matter what you do. You feel the sting of rejection. After all someone didn't want you. I know that it is said that when a mother gives up a child it is an act of unselfishness, and in some ways I can agree. But it doesn't change the fact that deep down inside you know you weren't wanted. Yes, they also say that the family that adopted you "chose" you, but really, did they? Isn't most adoptions done by lists and if your name comes up you get a child? Yes, you can request a boy or girl, but isn't that where it ends? Isn't it all chance? I know some and most adoptions are not that way anymore, but mine was. At least at times that is how it seemed to me.
I have often been asked and frankly criticized for not finding my birth family, with people saying often that "if they knew there was a family out there I would want to find them" or "I can't believe you haven't even tried yet. Don't you want to know?" And, "not knowing would kill me." And then there are those who think that I shouldn't even bother as they aren't my "real" family and that it's an insult or disrespectful to the family who adopted me. After all they didn’t want you, they did give you up. So why bother?
This is one reason where knowing that I am adopted and others knowing has been hard. I am an intensely private person and I really have a hard time with those who think my life is their business. Intrusive questions and opinions are very hard for me to deal with. The journey to deciding to take the step to finding your family and then doing so is a very personal and private choice. Now saying that, I do have to say that I understand how important family is and how they can be a great source of support, but they can also be the worst critics and voices of opinions. I had my family support in my husband and my children, which is all I needed. That they were all so loving, supportive and excited for me was a balm to my heart.
For me as an adopted child I felt this constant hole or missing piece in my life. Something was missing. Though while growing up I did not recognize it for what it was, but can now see it for what it is. As I got older and married and had children of my own it helped to fill that hole, that void. But not completely. But yet how could that be? My family filled my world with such joy and fulfillment, they were and are my life, so how could there possibly be anything missing? It's like that nagging thought in the back of your mind that you had forgotten something or like when a mother is with all of her children and yet feels like someone is missing. And sometimes you don't know you are missing something until you have it. That is how it has been for me. I truly did not know what I was missing until I got that call. My family was out there. You think about it and fantasize about it, but the reality is so very different. And so much better. I could never have imagined what emotions and thoughts and feelings would come with the news that there was indeed a family. It became so very real and started to fill that void. I belonged to someone. Even as I write this I get emotional. There truly are not the words to best describe the feeling of completeness that phone call brought.
So how did this all come about? My husband, my biggest supporter, is an attorney and often does adoptions for clients and as he was doing research for an adoption, he came upon a new law that would forever change my life. Who knew that that one simple change in the law would bring about such a change in my life and so quickly?! Starting July 1, 2014 adopted children born in the state of Washington were able to petition for their original birth certificate. It was that simple. Knowing that we could preorder the birth certificate, Allen obtained the proper paperwork; did I mention that it pays to be married to an attorney?! We filled it out and sent it off with a check of minimal cost, though I would have paid even the heftiest price to get it, and eight days after the law came into effect we received a copy in the mail.
I held in my hand the name of my birth mother. Unbelievable. That it really could have been that easy. We poured over it and I think I memorized every line, every word. There was no name for me other than 'Baby Girl Sanderson', though we knew that while in foster care the name given to me was Carolann. I did know that my mother was married and while married she had gotten pregnant by another, but the law then was that who she was married to was who was name as the father on my birth certificate.
I quickly took to my laptop and typed in my mothers name. It's amazing that you can do that now as there is so much available online for research, but she was nowhere to be found. In my limited capabilities I just couldn't find anything. Julia Edna Black wasn't online at least that I could find. Did I mention that that is what her name is? Pretty amazing isn't it? For 44 years I didn't know her name and then suddenly I had it. But where was she and what of my father? I obviously didn't know his name. Next I researched the name listed on the birth certificate for father and found that he was still alive and living in Idaho. But that was all the information I was able to get. But it was something. I knew they had divorced and that my parents had married after I was born, but he was still alive and maybe knew something.
But still I hesitated. Having a name is so very different from finding her, finding them. This is where the fear of rejection comes in again. Getting a copy of a piece of paper is one thing. It won't reject you. What if I found them and they wanted nothing to do with me? What if they had other children and never told them about me and those children, my siblings, didn't want to get to know me, their sister. It's funny looking back now and having found my family and brothers it almost made me think that me finding them and imposing this life and information on them without any warning is almost selfish. I knew I was adopted and that there was a possibility of a family out there, but did they? To receive that type of shocking news would be difficult to process and here I was contemplating doing that very thing.
I struggled with the decision to move forward. I held off for a few months before we turned it over to the investigator as it is such a life altering decision and choice and I needed the time to process what exactly I needed to do and what it meant for me. There were so, so many reason to not go through with this. And knowing me, if I had found them and they didn't want to meet me, that would have been it for me. It would have crushed me. I would have left it at that and not try anymore. To be rejected a second time would have been it, I couldn't or wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
And then what if they were dead?
It amazes me how much my Father in Heaven knows me, loves me and knows what I need. Sometimes even when I am not aware it is something I need. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, I guess I need to be better about writing things down, especially the big important events. But it was after we got the birth certificate and after numerous times that my husband asked me if I was ready to hire an investigator, that I had a dream and in this dream I was told that my mother had passed away. I guess He knew that I needed to be prepared. But being the stubborn redhead that I am, I tried not to pay too much attention to that and tried to chalk it up to it 'just being a dream'. Finally and with my husbands encouragement, I decided it was time to hire the investigator that he knew through work to find my family. We gave her a copy of my birth certificate and the information we found on her first husband. It took a while and during that time I had often become discouraged. The investigator wasn't going to find anything. It can be difficult to put all your hopes and dreams into someone else's hands and just wait, and wait. But Allen, bless his heart was always there to give me hope that all would turn out well. He had faith where I only had fear.
In January the investigator contacted Allen that she had found my moms first husband. He was very nice and gave as much information as he could. He said that last he knew my mother had remarried and was living in Spokane. Spokane! And if we had any other questions that we could contact him. I had his phone number, but couldn't bring myself to call him. I figured if he knew more then he would have already given it. I didn't know also exactly how painful it would be for him to talk about her to the child she had with another man. And again, fear took a big part in why I didn't call him. Fear of what I would hear. I think it was easier for me to let the investigator get the information and then let us know. Helped ease me into it. I wanted to talk and to hear as much as I could about my mom, but just couldn't.
Then on March 20, 2015 the phone rang. It's funny, I was sewing in my sewing room and contractors were laying hardwood floors in my bedroom, a normal day, and as I was sewing I was thinking to myself that they weren't going to find anything. The investigator wouldn't find my mom and dad. I felt myself drowning in that despair of never knowing, never finding answers. Little did I know that at that exact moment my husband was in his office and on the phone with the investigator about what she had discovered. After he hung up with her he quickly called me and hence, the phone call that would forever change my life.
He asked me if I was sitting down and then said, "Your birth family has been found!"
It took a moment for that to really sink in. Is this really happening. Could she have really found them? So many emotions rushing in at once at this point. Relief, anxiety, excitement and still fear. Then he told me that both my parents had passed away, mom in 2006 and dad in 2009, but I had a brother, two actually. I had a mom and dad, they were real and I had two brothers. Remember to the beginning when I said that everything I thought and fantasized about my family was different than the reality? Everything I thought about my family did not prepare me for those few words. I don't know what I expected, as I am sure I went through every possibility, but hearing that I had two brothers was still a shock. Doug, the oldest we were told was over 2 years older than me and was from a previous relationship of my dads and Michael was 4 years younger than me.
Then he told me the most shocking part, they thought I was dead...
That's all we knew. We didn't know why everyone thought I was dead. My parents were dead and so we obviously couldn't ask them. What did it mean that they thought I was dead? Why? Why would she tell everyone I was dead?
And then Allen forwarded in an email the picture that my sister-in-law, Shawna, Michael's wife whom the investigator had spoken to and was able to get this information, sent to the investigator to clarify that it was indeed Julia Black, my mother.
This is the picture that came through on that email, and to say that I was completely stunned by the resemblance would be an understatement. To look so much like her was shocking. And not only that, it's my mom. I am looking at a picture of my mother! This was something I had been anticipating for 44 years and here she was! I quickly forwarded it to my children and they couldn't believe it either. Harrison, my 13yr old son, had gotten home from school and I showed him the picture and he said, "where are you in this picture?"
After I got off the phone with my husband, my mind was just reeling with the news. It was starting to sink in and I wasn't at all sure what it is I was suppose to be feeling. I was feeling so many things at once. And then the emotions came in. I was texting my husband and daughters the rest of the afternoon. Him to express my emotions and try and make sense out of them and with my daughters the many questions and thoughts they had.
Bless my husband, he had a campout with our son and their Scout troop that night and he was trying to convince me that he should stay home because of the big news. It was a lot to process after all and he worried about me being home by myself. I told him to just go. He is the Scoutmaster and even though I come first, he needed to be there with the boys. Plus, I needed time to myself to think, to process and deal with this new information. Again, it was a lot to comprehend. So he went reluctantly. After they left for the campout I went out to get some dinner for myself, and that's when the emotion of anger hit. And hit hard. Have you ever tried driving while crying? Yeah, it's not exactly easy nor wise. Eyes blurry with tears makes it almost impossible to see.
I was angry that they had been taken from me. Remember I had the dream that my mom was dead, but again the reality is different and with this, worse. I wasn't able to have the chance to get to know my parents. I felt robbed. And why in the world did they think I was dead? Is that what she told people? Was losing me so hard that in order to deal with it she had to tell others that I had died? Or was that her way of avoiding questions or to justify giving me up? She did marry my father after all, so why give me up and then tell others I had died.
Anger is not rational, remember that. I was sad with the loss of them and the loss of not being raised by them and with my brothers. And angry that I was supposedly dead. It made no sense. In my prayers that night, I poured out my soul to my Father in Heaven. I was angry and hurt and unfortunately He knew it. I just needed to plead, cry and vent it all.
And then the self blame took root. If I had only looked for them sooner. Years ago, then I would have been able to know them. But then again, since she told everyone that I had died and I found her, would she have wanted to know me and let me into their lives? Or would she have said no she didn't want to meet me or want me in her life. She had told everyone for whatever reason that I was dead and what would happen if I just showed up? How would she explain it?
It was a long night, that first night. And then the waiting started.
We gave permission for the investigator to tell them to contact her if my family wished to talk to us and she would give her our information. She hadn't at this point told them more than we were good people. So then we waited. We knew that Shawna needed to wait for my brother Michael to get home as he works out of town. Those were some of the longest days of my life. I knew the shock of hearing that his sister was alive would be difficult and knew that he would need to process the news, but on my end it was still hard, the waiting. Then they contacted the investigator that they wanted to contact us and Allen asked me if she should give my number or his. Again here is the fear. I told him to have them call him first and then he can give them my number. It was easier that way, for me.
Twelve days later, TWELVE DAYS!!! I was driving in my car and the phone rang. Thank goodness for Bluetooth right?! I didn’t recognize the number of course, but knew it could be them. Those twelve days were pure torture. I honestly began to think that they weren’t going to call. As I said earlier, I knew that finding out that I was alive would be a shock and that it would take some time to adjust to the news. But you have to remember, I have never met them or talked to them even, so I had no idea how he would react and what that reaction would mean for me. Frankly he could of thought it all a hoax or it may have been that it was just too much. I really didn’t know, all I know is that it was a very long period of time. I told my husband probably every night that they weren’t going to call. And he being the ever strong, faithful one would hug me and tell me “The Spirit did not lead us this far for it not to turn out happily for you. It will all work out.” I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.
So I answered the phone and it was Shawna, Michael’s wife. I wish I could say that I remember every word of that conversation, but that is not the case. It was a long conversation full of a lot of emotions. But for me it started as shock. It may not have been my brother, but it was his wife. My brother’s wife. I do remember many times tearing up listening to her tell me the shock he went through in hearing that his sister was alive and had found him. I can’t even imagine. My side of this whole process was shocking and emotional enough, but like I said, I knew I was adopted and that there most likely was a family out there, but they did not. They knew or thought I had died as a baby. I asked about my parents. And here I have to say that this terrified me. As an adopted child not only do you fantasize about what family is out there, but your fantasize your parents. They have to be the most wonderful parents, right? She is an angel and he is a knight in shining armor, right? I think every orphan or adopted child dreams and fantasizes about what their parents were like.
She told me some and I could sense that she was holding back a little, and I can understand that. She wanted I am sure to give me the best sense and information that she could and frankly I appreciated is. Now I am not saying that there was some big dark secret that she withheld, not at all. After all the big secret was already out, I was dead. But I did need to know one thing, did dad love and adore mom? That was important to me. And to hear that he did, well that made me happy. She went on to tell me about mom and how loving and kind she was. This made me tear up. I would never get to know that love. The longing of wanting to know her and to feel that love overwhelmed me.
After I got off the phone with Shawna with assurances that Michael would call when he got back into town, I went to clean the windows in my bedroom and was just overwhelmed with a sadness so deep that it almost crushed me. To hear from the lips of one who knew my mom, dad and brothers of how wonderful they all were, I just felt longing, sadness and grief. But it’s funny, there was was also happiness that I had a family and was able to get to know and be a part of it. So many emotions I was working through all at once. But how was I to mourn parents that I never knew? So confusing and consuming.
It’s funny, as I was washing the windows and thinking and crying, I looked out my window and right there was a beautiful rainbow. I was stunned and was so grateful. I looked at it and realized that there is always hope.
After I had hung up with Shawna I had sent her some pictures of me, after all they had no idea what I looked like! And she sent me some pictures of Michael. This is one of the first pictures I saw of Michael.
Later that evening I texted her and asked her if she had sent the pictures of me to him and she said, “I did! He was a bit speechless. He said she definitely looks like my sister!” And yes, that made me smile.
